Do you like this story?
Don’t try to replace an irreplaceable pet
By Ericka Basile
April 5, 2010
Scenario: Max, a pet you love with all your heart has died. Maybe, after a few days, you think of getting another cat that looks the same as Max. You miss him so much and want to honor him and keep his spirit alive.
I understand. George is the name of the cat who, in real life, stole my heart. A solid black alley cat, he was thirteen when he died two years ago. George was a constant when my world was chaotic. He also liked to spoon with me in bed. My other cats do not like to spoon. After George passed away, well, that was it. No cat could replace him. I did not run out to adopt another black cat. It would have hurt too much.
Then, just as I was turning forty, I decided I deserved to own an itty-bitty kitty. I have rescued and adopted so many older pets and special needs pets, it was my turn to have a kitten. Yep, you guessed it. I wanted an all black kitty to honor my love of cuddly teddy bear George. I would name her Georgia. She would be just like George was.
I’m glad you can’t see my face as I type this, because I have a fresh thin scratch about as long as a toothpick under my left eye. And two scratches on my knuckles, and five on my forearms. Georgia does not like to be held. I have been trying for three months. She is now six months old and has a devilish personality. I do love this little mean kitty. But she’s no George.
When a pet dies you may follow my path and adopt or buy a similar pet. Well, the new pet is not the same as the old one; you and I both know this. The phrase “you are one in a million” is true for people and pets. You really can’t replace your Max. Plus, the replacement pets end up with terrible names like Bailey Junior, TonkaGirl, or Max Deuce. Ugh.
Say goodbye to Max but hold him in your memory. Go to the shelter or breeder and get another cat. Go with a fresh heart. But make your mission all about that cat. Not about Max.
Wish me luck, as Georgia may grow out of her demonic phase. Or not.
Share & Enjoy
|
Facebook
|
Twitter
|
Google Buzz
|
Digg
|
|
Technorati
|
StumbleUpon
|
Delicious
|
Email
|
Home
Although this undoubtedly is not appropriate for everyone, one thing that has always helped me cope with the death of a pet is the plan to get a new one. I don’t name the new one the same as the old one or anything but getting a new pet brings me a special kind of joy unlike anything else and it’s really helpful to me in the grieving process.
Comment by YesBiscuit! — April 5, 2010 @ 11:49 am
When people ask if a dog is a “replacement” for one who has passed — or in our case, for a SAR partner who has retired to command-post duty — we say no, though she might be the old dog’s successor.
The Queen is Dead. Long Live the Queen.
Comment by H. Houlahan — April 5, 2010 @ 12:05 pm
I am living this story right now! In November, Deagol, a sweet boy who I had rescued from outside 6 years before, died. He was a beautiful, mostly white cat with brown tabby patches and green eyes with black liner. He was afraid of my other cats and lived on my patio with a heated dog house and water bowl. They all adored “Uncle Deagol” but he had no time for them and preferred to either be alone or with me.
In December, I began searching PetFinder.com for a mostly white w/tabby, boy kitten to replace him. I quickly found Dexter (D for Deagol, D for Dexter!) and adopted him! He was cute and cuddly at first, mostly because he was harboring one of the worst case of URI I have ever encountered. As soon as he was well, his true personality came out.
He is now a raving mad-man! No cat is safe from tormenting. He rides them like ponies, steals toys from them, and generally wreaks havoc from morning ‘til night! He’s the complete opposite of Deagol. I can’t pet him without getting bitten! Just last night was the first time I could stroke him for 3 strokes without a bite!
Don’t get me wrong…I adore the little devil, but he’s no Deagol and no sort of memorial to his sweet soul.
Great posting and I believe we are kindred spirits! :)
Comment by Valerie — April 5, 2010 @ 12:09 pm
“Go with a fresh heart.”
Love that.
In our rescue organization, a prospective adopter that comments that a dog they are interested in looks like the English Shepherd they recently lost throws up a big caution flag. We spend extra time with those propsective adopters in the interview process, asking hard questions, and sometimes just listening to them grieve for their departed friend. And that goes double if the dog in need of a home is a pup and “looks just like Old Shep when he was a pup!” No one *ever* clearly remembers all the work that went into getting Old Shep from The Pupper Years to The Perfect Dog Years.
For the prospective adopter’s sake and the dog’s sake, we want to make sure that the adopter’s heart will be truly open to building a new relationship with a new dog. IMO, that “fresh heart” is the best way to honor the memory of the Old Sheps in our lives.
Melinda
Comment by Melinda — April 5, 2010 @ 12:18 pm
http://tinyurl.com/ycz8g4s
Comment by H. Houlahan — April 5, 2010 @ 12:39 pm
I once knew a man who got “the same breed, as soon as possible,” every time his dog died. Gave it the same name, every single time. It was like every dog was interchangeable to him. I also know a man who would not buy a dog for his kids, because as a child, his dog had died and there was no way he was allowing his kids to experience the pain of losing a dog. The great ones are irreplaceable. I still have pictures on my desk of my heart dog. She died 19 years ago. There will never be another like her.
Comment by C.L.H. — April 5, 2010 @ 1:04 pm
I’ve always held by the rule that I’m not ready for a new pet until I’m able to look forward to the new pet having a different personality. Sometimes that has been a few weeks, sometimes a few months. Most recently, it was two years, and the new pet was a different species.
Also, by focusing on the personality I want, I’ve always been preserved from the trap of getting a look-alike pet.
Comment by Lis — April 5, 2010 @ 1:18 pm
Dating myself, here, but quoting from a song:
Love the one you’re with.
Comment by Rori — April 5, 2010 @ 1:47 pm
Oh, so true! My last dog was an “angel dog,” he pretty much never had a bad moment. Just pure love in red-gold fur. My new dog is a wild child! I’m not sure he’ll ever be a gentleman. Even my vet said, “He’s no Beau.” He’s not. But, he’s coming along nicely and he’s a great companion. Loads of fun…different, but good.
Comment by Pam — April 5, 2010 @ 3:00 pm
When I was a teenager, after a string of poodles, we had a miniature schnauzer named Jeremiah (Jerry). Jerry was hit by a car and killed when he was just a puppy. We immediately replaced him with another Schnauzy, whom I named JJ (Jeremiah Junior). JJ became my dog, and for 17 years he was my best buddy. We were inseparable. When he passed away at the ripe old age of 17, I know JJ was irreplaceable, and it would take me a long time to get over his loss. I didn’t have another dog of my own for 8 years. Two dogs, in fact…Cami and Harry. I sometimes see a little bit of JJ in Harry’s eyes, but deep down I know that JJ’s soul is imbued in another loving pet’s heart, lighting up a lucky family’s life as he did mine.
Comment by David S. Greene — April 5, 2010 @ 3:22 pm
Black cats are special…after I lost my Kublai Khan, the love of my life, the kitty who rescued me in college and led me into life, then fostered all the cats and kittens I rescued in his honor, I didn’t look but decided I’d wait until he “came back” to me, if he did. Twelve years after he died the rest of my household from that era was in their late teens and early 20s and one by one fading, and I decided I might consider looking for a little black kitty and I’d name her Lucy. I took in a litter of black kittens, three were immediately adopted, but the little girl stayed. I tried my best not to compare her to him, and I’m glad because I lost her at 15 months to FIP. If I had insisted she be like him, I never would have gotten to know her true personality. Losing her that young after losing all my oldest was hard enough, but if I had never gotten let her be herself I would never have forgiven myself.
Comment by Bernadette — April 5, 2010 @ 3:43 pm
I almost didn’t adopt 13 year old Bailey after my Mac died at 16 yrs old because Mac and Bailey looked almost exactly alike. It was just too heartbreaking. But then I met Bailey and he was nothing like Mac at all, so I knew I could adopt him. Fourteen weeks later, I was saying good-bye to poor Bailey (pancreatic cancer). A few months later, 4 yr old B’Elanna came into my life. My third buff cocker spaniel in a row. Someone commented, “you have a theme going here” but he was wrong. They’re nothing alike, and I’m glad that I didn’t expect them to be.
Comment by Sherron — April 5, 2010 @ 4:38 pm
from
-H. Houlahan
“Der Tod ist Gross”
(German note: ‘ss’ replaces the double b font, which I can’t type here)
Yes, The Death is Huge.
I liked this book excerpt very much.
The section about the ‘ole way makes you pause, eh? “a cat we should mourn for 1 month, a dog for three”… wow. Who ever thought there should be a time limit on how long we grieve?
I am glad our local Hospice has a program to help people with the grieving process for pets.
A pet passing away can be just as emotional as a person. I’ve actually thought there should be a work policy to give time off work- just like there is for death of a family member.
It is seriously a sad emotional time when a cherished pet dies.
Comment by ericka — April 5, 2010 @ 5:42 pm
Val- keep in ouch. Our two little devilish cats sound like soul mates.
Comment by ericka — April 5, 2010 @ 5:50 pm
I know when I lost my little baby girl, one week shy of her 15th birthday, I felt like I had bottomed out. Someone literally ripped out my heart and stepped on it. A forever void. I swore never again.
But how could I not? I know my Brandy sent me Dexter, and she would always want me happy. This post resonates with me. Best wishes to yo go forward, Ericka!
Comment by Carol Bryant — April 5, 2010 @ 7:16 pm
A pet passing away can be just as emotional as a person. I’ve actually thought there should be a work policy to give time off work- just like there is for death of a family member.
It is seriously a sad emotional time when a cherished pet dies.
Comment by ericka — April 5, 2010 @ 5:42 pm
I agree with you totally, but not all people are like us…
My brother recently was disgusted by his workmates (he’s a Postman in a busy office in London). A guy rang up saying he’d woken up to find his dog dead, and asked if he could have the day of to bury him etc. He was refused, and on top of that most of his co-workers were laughing about the fact that he’d thought it might be worth some time of work. As I say my brother was shocked. People just disappoint me sometimes. Even if they themselves could not relate to their collegues feelings, surely a little empathy wouldn’t go amisss ? But to make a joke of it was appalling :(
Comment by Alison — April 5, 2010 @ 8:13 pm
Alison- I agree. It makes me crazy mad when people do not show empathy for the owner of a pet who has died.
Who are they to judge if a pet is worthy of grief? ex: dog, cat, bird, or even a child’s hamster. If the person loved it, then it hurts when that living creature leaves this world.
Comment by ericka — April 5, 2010 @ 9:16 pm
It is important to grieve the loss, before getting another IMO. Remembering the one that has passed, in a good way have your heart and your head clear.
It is such an emotional loss when a pet dies, it can be heartbreaking. Being it is Kitten season, and so many are in shelters just now…I encourage everyone to please adopt.
Comment by GWP Rescue — April 6, 2010 @ 5:30 am
I think it’s a very personal decision to get another pet after losing one. There is no “right” length of time, etc.
I have never tried to “replace” a lost kitty, but I have quickly gotten another pet. When my Bear died, it was quite traumatic. I missed his presence very much. Soon after (within a couple weeks) a tiny black mama cat came into the hospital where I worked, and had two black kittens. Luna came home with me. She was nothing like Bear except for color, but she did help to fill the hole in my heart left by losing Bear.
Comment by Tammy — April 6, 2010 @ 8:05 am
I have lost 3 dogs since being employed at my current job. Every time I have had to take at least one day if not two off. My employer was very compassionate as she knows what my dogs mean to me. She told me not to come back until I was ready. I know this doesn’t happen very often.
If anyone said to me “It was just a dog”, I know they would hear more than they ever wanted to about my dogs. It wouldn’t be pretty.
I admit that the last dog I brought into our house was sooner than I normally do after losing one. Henry was not to replace, but fill the void where I had just lost a very gentle soul Golden retriever. I still had 2 other dogs at home, but they were not goldens and I have always had goldens. I normally wait about 1-2 years before getting another dog, but I just couldn’t this time. Henry was offered to me and after going back and forth wanting him and not wanting him so many times, I finally gave in to my heart and said yes. At times when I was trying to decide I kept thinking “am I trying to replace him or just filling the void?” Cedar was not replaceable and there will never be another dog like him. I see a lot of the same characteristics in Henry as I did with Cedar and the golden before him, Riley, but he is his own dog and he has his own little condo in my heart.
Comment by Jill — April 6, 2010 @ 9:20 am
When my beloved border collie, Jesi, passed away several years ago I was crushed beyond words. I did get a new dog relatively quickly, but she’s not a border collie and she doesn’t have the same name. However, my husband expressed a few years later that he missed Jesi. Now he wasn’t around during her puppy years or even in between, only the last 3 years of her 15 years. I was surprised and somewhat apprehensive. But when he found his border collie, a boy, and he wanted to name him Jesse the Deuce the apprehension vanished. I didn’t see giving him the same name as “terrible”, still don’t. Did he replace Jesi? That was never the intent. Knowing that my husband adored my sweet Jesi, that was so precious to me, enough to want to share her name is something I hold dear. :-)
Comment by Nancy — April 6, 2010 @ 4:46 pm
Nancy- you and your husband are loving owners to Jesse the Deuce. In my post I did mention Max Duece as a terrible name and now I am eating my words. gulp.
When my daughter, who is 12, read my post on this subject she immediately said, “Georgia is another name for George. Plus, Mom, your name is the same as Papa’s. Don’t people keep names they like?” {side note: My name is Ericka and my Dad’s is Rick. Hence, eRICKa.}
Yep, humans like to pass down names, and in a way I think we do this with pets, too, huh?
Keeping the memory, love, history, or family lineage alive is good.
I do have to put my foot down at George Foreman though. Didn’t he name ALL his sons George?
If I named my four dogs all the same name they would go nuts.
Comment by Ericka Basile — April 6, 2010 @ 6:52 pm
Let me tell you about Shadow. We got Shadow after moving back to the states from Germany. He and Ericka (14 yrs old) were inseparable, except the week after he brought her half of a squirrel as a prize!
I inherited Shadow when Ericka went off to college. Well, Shadow and I bonded. He was the best cat there ever was. Very personable and vocal. Shadow was my “nap cat” and would come put his head in my hand whenever I would lie down for 40 winks. Years later, when she was settled, Ericka spoke of taking him back if he was too much trouble. I convinced her that Shadow wasn’t a city cat so Shadow stayed with me to roam nearby fields.
At 22, he had a wonderful long life but was getting to the point where I knew a difficult decision was coming. One afternoon he came into the bedroom where I was, looked up at me with these kind eyes, spoke one last time, laid down in a sunny spot and when over the rainbow bridge. A real trooper to the end.
I’ve never replaced him! Sometimes you know when you’ve been given an irreplaceable gift.
Comment by Ericka's Dad — April 8, 2010 @ 10:21 am
Ericka, thanks for your post. My Cookie just died and I’ve been toying with the idea of getting another little lookalike girl, hoping that the ‘replacement’ might ease my grief a little. I knew the answer but I guess there’s nothing like the affirmation from someone else’s experience to lay down the framework for me.
Cheryl
Comment by cheryl — September 15, 2010 @ 2:45 am
Cheryl,
Since I wrote this post my Chihuahua, Coco, passed away in May. The grief is still heavy on my heart.
I’ve trolled Petfinder every few months. I know it is fruitless, because Coco is not going to be there, no matter how many times I look. It is just very sad and I miss her so much.
Comment by Ericka Basile — September 15, 2010 @ 5:58 am
Ericka, I’m so sorry you lost Coco too. I’m told that only time will heal but I suppose that while the pain may be alleviated, we lose a part of our heart with the pet.
I can’t seem to get over Cookie’s death and I can’t imagine loving another animal again at this point. Cookie was my first cat and so,so special.
Comment by Cheryl — September 15, 2010 @ 9:59 am
today 5 novembre 2010 i lost my dear pet …a special border canary bird
i dont want to replace him
he cant be replaced
RIP Katkout
Comment by jilani — November 5, 2010 @ 2:26 pm
Jilani,
I am so sorry to read about Kaykout. Sometimes people who are not used to pets think that humans do not get attached to birds as much as we do to dogs and cats. But, I was crushed when one of my parakeets died a few years ago (from smoke inhalation). I am sure your grief is a terrible feeling and I wish you comfort.
Our thoughts are with you and your sweet Katkout.
-Ericka
Comment by Ericka Basile — November 5, 2010 @ 3:20 pm
My dear border collie/mix, Fred died on 10/5/10 - really shook me - miss my boy - but then my 86 year old Mom had a health crisis - as we left the ER (Mom is slower but OK) Mom and I saw a lost dog on the highway….an old golden retriever/cocker mix…deaf too.
Found his owner today…Owners had hit some hardtimes but are thrilled to get “George” back…somewhere my Fred is smiling.
Comment by mary frances — November 5, 2010 @ 3:59 pm
Mary, I’m sorry about the loss of Fred (and your mom’s crisis), but mazel tov on taking care of the lost doggie.
Comment by David S. Greene — November 5, 2010 @ 9:05 pm
My deepest condolences, Jilani.
Comment by David S. Greene — November 5, 2010 @ 9:05 pm
Laid my cat Kathrine Hepburn (of 15 years) to rest last night. She was so sweet, loving & kind. And Smart too! An indoor cat, we played, ate & slept together. She was a vocal cat & always greeted me at the door. I would tell her when I would leave overnight that I would be back, making sure she had her needs met prior. When I would return she would sulk a bit, though after a 15 min snuggle, we would be friends again.
She died of complications of the heart which began to produce seizures. It was time to say goodbye.
I had another cat prior Curiosity, a childhood pet of my daughters, who was a Russian long hair. As my daughter moved off to college, Curie stayed with me in a more stable lifestyle. He was loyal, wise, loving & playful up till the end. As Curie started to age (I could see the signs) we adopted two kittens from the same litter. Curiosity trained the two kittens before he moved on, Kathrine & her brother Tab Hunter, who we lost 5 years earlier.
I have been blessed by many a loving pet. There is no replacement, each soul is unique. They say as deeply as you love, is as deeply as you feel pain…
Thank you all for sharing your stories & thank you for allowing us, who love pets dearly this forum.
Many Blessings to you all. And many Blessings to the dear souls that share our lives loyally, lovingly, forgivingly. May we follow in their lead.
Comment by R — February 10, 2011 @ 12:02 pm