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Which came first: Stupid or Doll of Stupid?
By Gina Spadafori
February 7, 2010
Point of fact: I have always hated Barbie.
I hated that you couldn’t do anything with her but stand her up to look pretty, and that playing make-believe with her was about as interesting as playing with a pointy-headed stick. (Which may actually be all that Barbie really is, anyway.) And that was before I got old enough to figure out that she didn’t look like anyone ever has or could without bulimia and plastic surgery. Or before I got older still, and realized that the standard set for large, high and surgically augmented racks on women young and old and the accompanying fetish for the kinds of shoes that would be considered abuse if forced on us by law meant that there are a whole lot of women looking — or trying to look — like idiotsBarbies instead of, you know, women.
No, the Barbie or two that came my way was ignored (but at least not tortured, which still creeps me out). For me, Breyer horses, all the way. Before you could buy accessories for them, I made my own: String halters, tissue-paper blankets and felt saddles, all lovingly preserved by my mother. (OK, honestly: Tossed in a box and forgotten for decades until my mom told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to get my stupid plastic horses and other childhood debris out of her garage.)
When my niece went through her very brief Barbie stage at age 8 or so, her parents dutifully threw her a Barbie-themed birthday party. I was chided and considered a Bad Sport for refusing to support that crap, and brought her a Breyer, which I continued to do pretty routinely for the next decade.
It worked.
My smart and beautiful niece is an equine studies major now, a witty three-sport athlete who can lift hay bales and saddles, back a horse-trailer into a parking space sized for a compact car and is more than woman enough to wear a strapless short sundress and drag the eyes of a couple hundred men off the finish line at the Del Mar race track with a flip of her hair. She rode her horse to pick up her high school diploma, the day after graduation ceremonies.
She is an action figure, not a Barbie.
So what does this have to do with pets? Turns out my Barbie hate and my intense dislike for the Paris Hilton tiny-puppy-mill-dog-as-fashion-accessory craze have dovetailed neatly, if rather depressingly, into a Barbie that comes complete not only with the standard Barbie idiocy, but also with fashion accessory plastic puppies.
No, they didn’t name it Puppy Mill Barbie, which would have been far more accurate, of course. The model is Barbie® Potty Training PupsTM, yours for around $20 in your nearest big-box China crap retail outlet.
Puppy Mill Barbie comes with three purse-sized puppy mill dogs, toys, dishes and “papers” for “potty-training” — although the word on the street is that the puppies leak from the wrong places, probably from some puppy-mill caused illness.
For anyone tempted to get a toddler indoctrinated into the cult of idiocyBarbie early, please note that Puppy Mill Barbie is not suitable for girls under 3, because the small parts may be a “choking hazard.”
I can attest to that. I’ve been choking on the vomit in my mouth from the very second I laid eyes on the thing.
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Puppy Mill Barbie? I am barfing! Does she have a purse to carry them in?
My DIL is being bashed by her friends (and her 8 y/o) for refusing to allow Barbie over the doorstep. She says a doll with anorexia and breast implants ain’t allowed in her house.
I’m voting stupid came before stupid dolls. Wasp waists in the antebellum era could involve surgical removal of the lower ribs - done at a time when hand washing was optional for surgeons.
P.S. I hope my granddaughter will turn out as cool as your niece!
Comment by PamJJ — February 7, 2010 @ 10:30 am
I <3 you!
Comment by cyndi — February 7, 2010 @ 11:10 am
Gina, please tell us how you really feel.
Comment by H. Houlahan — February 7, 2010 @ 12:23 pm
At our Walmart, they sell small plush dogs that are packaged inside cute little handbags. It’s depressing.
Comment by Pai — February 7, 2010 @ 12:27 pm
I wonder if my artist friend can alter that Barbie to have the appropriate hideous lazy eyelid?
Being the sick demented creature that I am, and having just gotten a new little digital video camera for Christmas, I am envisioning the Barbie/GI Joe sex tape. Alas, this would require me to view the infamous original.
One problem, those dogs are not to scale. They are proportionately about 3x the size of a Hilton handbag hamster.
Comment by H. Houlahan — February 7, 2010 @ 12:37 pm
“Nobody has ever gone broke underestimating the taste of the American public”.
-H.L. Mencken
Comment by David S. Greene — February 7, 2010 @ 1:09 pm
Bllllllllllllllllechhhhhhhhhhhh!
Comment by KS — February 7, 2010 @ 1:29 pm
Hey Houlie - they just put out a new Barbie who’s perfect for that GI Joe tape:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/ho.....428128.ece
Comment by Janeen — February 7, 2010 @ 1:37 pm
BRAIN BLEACH!!!!!
Comment by Gina Spadafori — February 7, 2010 @ 1:58 pm
Wow. Up until now, I had thought the Barbie-doll nadir had been reached with ‘Growing Up Skipper,’ who grew boobs when you twisted her arm. Way to go, Mattel.
Comment by Eucritta — February 7, 2010 @ 2:40 pm
As someone who had both Barbie dolls and Tonka trucks as a kid, I don’t share your revulsion for her (my mom made the coolest clothes for mine, even though at the time I whined for the store-bought stuff). I somehow ended up unaffected by the “messages” inherent in her, ah, build. At least I’ve always thought so.
But I would have wanted that Barbie very, very badly because I’ve always loved animals, but was allergic to dogs. But this would let me have one (well, four) vicariously.
Whoever in the company came up with it simply doesn’t have a clue. It’s just more marketing to ride with the latest fad. Which means, good news, that it will probably be gone soon.
Maybe someone should write to them to suggest they do a “shelter volunteer” Barbie instead. She could have kittens to foster and a real dog to walk. Percentage of proceeds to go to a good real shelter (as in not H$U$).
Comment by Susan Fox — February 7, 2010 @ 4:13 pm
…‘Growing Up Skipper,’ who grew boobs when you twisted her arm…
You can’t possibly be making that up. Sorry I hadn’t heard of it, but since I’m a guy and was too busy with my Hot Wheels cars (also by Mattel) and baseball cards, I was otherwise occupied. I’m going to get grief for this, but I’ve gotta say that Skipper strikes me as the funniest, most grossly inappropriate (but still, I’m a guy, so it’s just plain funny) toy I’ve ever heard of. If I were a woman, I’d be deeply offended, but the whole twisting the arm, and….maybe I’ll just shut up now. Carry on.
Comment by David S. Greene — February 7, 2010 @ 4:39 pm
I think it’s really sweet that they went for the realism of having multiple dogs in the package so that Barbie can tire of one and trade it in for another. Or Barbie can lose one accidentally and get an instant replacement. So true to life!
[for those who are not sure, yes, this is sarcasm]
Comment by Judi — February 7, 2010 @ 5:20 pm
Ah yes. I had several Barbies as a child, because clueless people kept giving them to me. I much preferred my My Little Ponies and Breyer horses. My games generally were along the lines of epic adventures, and the Barbies were always conscripted to play the evil villains. ‘Nuff said.
Comment by Kate — February 7, 2010 @ 5:29 pm
I had one barbie when I was a kid, but I much rather preferred to play with my brothers Tonka trucks. The *good* ones that were made out of metal, not like the crappy plastic ones that you can get today.
I’ve always had a big problem with Barbie. She is anatomically incorrect and never has *real* jobs that are inspiring to girls. She’s always a waitress or something non-threatning. I’d like to see Electrician Barbie or Policewoman Barbie.
Comment by Karen Friesecke — February 7, 2010 @ 8:27 pm
Hey Houlie - they just put out a new Barbie who’s perfect for that GI Joe tape: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/ho…..428128.ece
Comment by Janeen — February 7, 2010 @ 1:37 pm
At the SF cons there is sometimes a booth where, along with the clothes for people, the vendor sells fantasy Barbie clothes that she makes.
Most of this is Renaissance dresses, Victorian togs, etc. — rather well-made, actually
There are some pretty hard-core fetish Barbie costumes in the lineup, though. I think some people buy this stuff because they are fetishists, and some buy because it is friggin’ hilarious.
I always figgered that Mattel would have kittens if they found out.
Apparently not.
Comment by H. Houlahan — February 7, 2010 @ 8:50 pm
There’s a veterinarian Barbie. :)
Comment by Gina Spadafori — February 7, 2010 @ 9:07 pm
A large animal veterinarian Barbie would really be something, but I think she’d have trouble wearing barn boots.
Comment by Valerie — February 7, 2010 @ 9:21 pm
Are you saying Wellies aren’t fashionable? :)
Comment by Gina Spadafori — February 7, 2010 @ 9:31 pm
Bogs are!
Comment by Janeen — February 7, 2010 @ 9:44 pm
I hope everyone noticed I had to wait until Christie and Kim were out of town to mock shoes. :)
Comment by Gina Spadafori — February 7, 2010 @ 10:03 pm
My mother wouldn’t allow me to have a Barbie.
Comment by Christie Keith — February 7, 2010 @ 10:08 pm
Gina wrote: “Are you saying Wellies aren’t fashionable? :)”
I don’t think Wellies come in either a high-heeled version or one with heel lifts for poor Barbie’s deformed feet.
Comment by Judi — February 7, 2010 @ 11:40 pm
I spent my childhood being forced to own dolls. I remember very clearly desperately wanting this wonderful firetruck, that had a working siren and would spray water. recall much begging and pleading to get it for my birthday. Instead, I got an oversized doll house, with working lights and water.
The dollhouse actually worked out quite well - I turned it on its side, and let my gerbils live in it.
I eventually ended up with a collection of literally dozens of different Barbies, which I formed into platoons, under the command of my brother’s cast off GI Joe dolls. No funny stuff, thank you - these girls were serious warriors, and went on recon missions carrying little weapons I’d crafted out of playdo and plastic cutlery.
Without a word of a lie, I was actually forced to see a therapist when the secret life my bloodthirsty Barbies were leading was discovered, because the entire family were sure it all meant I had ‘something wrong with me’.
Nice to see things have changed hardly at all in 40 something years.
Comment by FrogDogz — February 8, 2010 @ 9:16 am
Actually, Wellies are super trendy right now. Just saying.
Comment by Eliblu — February 8, 2010 @ 9:24 am
I was always more of a Breyer horse girl as well, and Barbie just didn’t fit into that because her legs didn’t bend to ride the horses. I loved it when my mom would give me her extra yarn though, because I could make all sorts of bridles, halters, leg wraps, etc. Amazing how creative you could be with a little bit of string isn’t it?
Comment by Dani — February 8, 2010 @ 9:26 am
I asked for a skateboard one Christmas. I have three brothers and was very much the tomboy. I was given a Barbie and her “Dream Car” instead. Well, Barbie hooked up with GI Joe for a covert operation. (I think he was just using her for her wheels.) Unfortunately, there was an explosion (a large number of firecrackers were involved) and car and Barbie did not make it. I think GI Joe lost an arm. Good times!
Comment by C.L.H. — February 8, 2010 @ 9:34 am
I cut the hair short on all the Barbies and other dolls people gave me, I guess so they would look more like the tomboy I was. Other than that, they sat on the shelf. Much preferred my Tonka toys, Lincoln logs, Legos and playing oustide in the dirt. And I will always choose rafting, hiking, skiing, playing in my garden or doing DIY home improvement projects to dressing up and going out on the town. And dogs? They’re companions, not a fashion accessory!
Comment by Di — February 8, 2010 @ 9:47 am
Actually, Wellies are super trendy right now. Just saying.
I own three or four pairs - diff. heights and patterns, one with skull and cross bones on them, that are possibly my favorite boots EVER.
Comment by FrogDogz — February 8, 2010 @ 11:42 am
My Breyer horses! Yes! I had the best times with them. My Dad built me a covered wagon and my horses pulled the wagon all over our backyard while we were following the wagon trail. sigh….My horses jumped jumps and ran like the wind. Ahh……
No dolls, just horses.
Comment by Liz Palika — February 8, 2010 @ 12:08 pm
I didn’t have Breyer horses, but I had a dog that I loved to do things with. She was so good at jumping! She liked to hop the fence to go play with the neighbor’s sheep. I used to build jumps and obstacles for her and run her around the yard. Unfortunately, I didn’t know what agility was. Did they even have it in the late 70’s and early 80’s? I had a friend that raised guide dog puppies through 4-H. We walked our dogs together in the morning before school.
Comment by C.L.H. — February 8, 2010 @ 12:29 pm
We are still watching you, Gina, even from afar, so cool it with the shoe dissing. I never had a Barbie, never wanted one, but of course I had the Breyer horses. Really the only “toys” I ever coveted were books, books and more books.
Comment by Kim — February 8, 2010 @ 4:15 pm
Re pointy-headed sticks: I believe I have dated a couple of those.
Am still waiting for Bomb Disposal Barbie.
Comment by Glenye Oakford — February 8, 2010 @ 6:37 pm
Kim! Even from Paris you defend shoes! Hope you’re having a wonderful time.
Comment by Gina Spadafori — February 8, 2010 @ 7:28 pm
Have seen many lovely pairs of shoes here, and I look quite Parisian—bundled up in my coat, scarf and mittens. I am v. v. cold. I love Paris but will be happy to get to Botswana, where it’s warm. Today’s dog sightings included a Golden, a Beagle, a tricolor Cavalier in the Metro and two older ladies with a Great Pyrenees. Also, I saw a Barbie “vet” in a department store. The kit included a horse with a bandaged leg. She also looked less busty than the typical Barbie. Perhaps the French are more advanced in that regard. Also saw a homeless man with two dogs and a guinea pig.
Comment by Kim — February 9, 2010 @ 11:05 am
Now I know why my daughter didn’t like her Barbie doll but like the stuffed animals I bought her. If you live long enough, you sometimes get the answers to life’s questions!
Comment by Evelyn — February 9, 2010 @ 4:22 pm
I had a few barbies, but they mostly existed to play villain to my very beloved hand-made ragdolls, made by an artist in Tennessee. THEY had wardrobes that included barn clothes. :)
Comment by Cait — February 9, 2010 @ 10:42 pm
I overheard a conversation about Barbie on the Metro tonight. It was in French, but the topic of the conversation was confirmed for me when they started talking about Ken.
Comment by Kim — February 10, 2010 @ 3:57 pm