Married with Pugs: When surrogate kids meet actual kids
By Mikkel Becker Shannon
October 15, 2009
Our two Pugs have long been like children to my husband and me. So what’s going to happen now that a real human child is on the way?
In November, a daughter will be joining our family – hopefully with fewer wrinkles and less shedding than our Pugs. And we’re taking this time to get our dogs ready for a new human family member. We want the transition to go well for them, and we want to make sure they have the right manners for interacting with a baby.
One thing we’re not doing is lavishing attention on the dogs pet during the weeks and days leading up to the birth of the baby. Whether it’s mothering hormones or just wanting to make up for the changes to come, too many parents-to-be make exactly that mistake.
And when the baby does show up, and not only the old routine but the new are out the window, it ends up making the dogs feel less secure. Instead, parents to be should give their pets the kind of attention that will be a happy “new normal” when the baby arrives.
I don’t love my dogs any less, but I’m starting to get them used to not always being on the sofa with us. I ask them to sit and wait to be invited, or let them get on a nearby chair instead. This both helps them get used to having some areas be “off limits,” as they no doubt will once the baby arrives, but prepares them to be comfortable even when they can’t be in our laps.
Although the Pugs were allowed to sleep in our bed for years, the more pregnant I got, the more I relished having extra space to accommodate restless pregnancy sleep – not to mention fitting the gigantic pregnancy pillow into our bed to support my growing belly and sore back. So, the Pugs were asked to sleep in a round, wool dog bed at the side of ours. They’re still right next to me, but in their own space.
To help the Pugs fill the time I’ll be devoting to the new baby, I’ve been giving them mind-stimulating things to do. Food bowls have been replaced with food puzzles that the dogs manipulate and work through in order to get the food out of the inside. Chew toys and rawhides are left around the house for them.
And sometimes, they get both; they love it when I put canned dog food inside a Kong toy, place a pencil rawhide chew through the middle, and then freeze the whole thing. Every time I pull a frozen Kong out of the freezer, the dogs do a spinning happy dance, making flying leaps through the air like circus dogs.
We’ve also been working on body space sensitivity. For example, when my black pug, Willy, went through a therapy dog certification program, we learned that having a good sense of appropriate body space was a vital quality in a therapy dog. That news made my family laugh, as Pugs are notorious for tromping over each other, other dogs and people like they were breathing pieces of furniture.
But an infant can’t handle a dog walking across her body the way an adult can, and we realized it was for the safety of our baby to teach our Pugs the idea of body space. If the Pugs jump up on the couch or in a lap without permission, they are given a prompt “off” cue and then are redirected to an area where they can settle down, such as their own bed.
Jumping up on people during greeting is another body space issue that has been difficult to control, especially with the rate it’s reinforced by the children living in our apartment complex. But since I don’t want my dogs knocking my daughter down when she gets to the toddling stage, I’m working on it.
When greeting the Pugs myself in the home, or when I take them out on walks around other people, I ask the Pugs to sit before being petted. If they jump up during the greeting, they are then ignored until they sit again, and then petting can resume.
Bruce and Willy both liked to alarm bark when strangers approached when we were on our walks. With the idea of stroller walks and wanting calm dogs to accompany us on walks, I began training them to be quiet when out on walks and to turn towards me when other people or dogs approach.
To do this, I had to condition them to look at me by throwing down treats each time a stranger or dog approached. After several trials, the dogs began anticipating the treats coming with an approaching person or animal and started turning towards me without the treats needing to be thrown down.
To keep their response of looking at me reliable, I treat them at random times when they look over at me when people or pets are near. Their barking has decreased 95 percent, with the 5 percent being handled by putting them in a modified time out on the walks when they are not quiet after being asked. I anticipate much quieter and easier stroller walks because of the walk preparation I’ve begun with them now.
One issue still worries me. My friend Katie had her 18 month old son, Jackson, over for a visit one day. He pulled a toy ball out of his mom’s diaper bag, like a magician pulling a rabbit out of the hat. Luckily I was right next to my ball-crazy fawn Pug, Bruce, when Jackson threw the ball, but I was barely able to grab him before he raced after the ball, averting a possible knock-down of little Jackson.
The most bothersome pregnancy pet peeve (literally) that I have encountered is other people seeing my close relationship with my Pugs, and them proceeding to tell me that when I have the baby the Pugs will not be nearly as important to me, and the baby will totally replace them. Without exaggeration, 90 percent of people, strangers, family and friends included, who see my pregnant belly accompanied by my two Velcro Pugs stuck to my side warn me of the change that will happen.
My parents and husband who are close enough to me understand my devotion to my Pug children encourage me that the arrival of a new baby will only strengthen family ties, Pugs included.
Although I haven’t had the baby yet and am not qualified to say for sure how life with my Pugs will change, I do believe that a new family member won’t take away love from anyone in the least, but rather will help expand my heart to love, both the new baby, my husband, and our cherished Pugs.
That is a seriously cute picture of Willy!
Comment by Gina Spadafori — October 15, 2009 @ 10:46 am
Congrats on the upcoming baby! I’m also expecting my first baby (a girl) in November. It sounds like you’re preparing the pugs really well! You don’t happen to have any cat specific advice do you?
Like you, I’m tired of hearing about how my pets won’t matter to me once the baby arrives and will more than likely just be irritating to me.
Comment by The Other Lori — October 15, 2009 @ 10:46 am
Lori! I didn’t know. Wow, it’s going to be a maternity ward around here. :)
Comment by Gina Spadafori — October 15, 2009 @ 10:49 am
Congratulations and best wishes to all. If you loved your pets before, you will love them after. There were nights when I was exhausted and overwhelmed (I had twins) and the most comforting thing was having my wonderful dog with me. (Hubby was asleep, I was waiting for the next feeding.) When everything else is turned upside down by the arrival of the new family member, your loving pet(s) can be a great source of sanity.
Comment by C.L.H. — October 15, 2009 @ 4:56 pm
Thank you to everyone for the well wishes! We’re getting excited as she’s coming so soon!
I love the picture of Willy too. The second he got in the stroller he totally relaxed and seemed to enjoy being pushed around the basement for a joy ride!
Thank you C.L.H. for the comforting words, they mean a lot to me and they definitely help in giving me encouragement for the dog/baby dynamic! It’s so appreciated.
Congrats to Lori on your soon coming baby girl! What a joy! As for advice on getting cats ready for baby, there are some definite strategies you can look to.
As with dogs, cats learn by association, and what you want is for the cat to associate good things come to them when a baby is around. So, before the baby comes, try to find a CD with baby sounds and also get out baby powder, lotions and other baby smelling things, and give them their dinner or treats when these are around (this will help your cat anticipate baby related things mean something good comes.) Before you bring home the baby from the hospital, try to get someone to take over a blanket your baby has been wrapped in to get your cat used to the smell before the baby comes back home. As with dogs, cats should also have lessened attention before the baby comes so that it doesn’t come as such a shock to them when the baby arrives and a lot of their attention is taken away. There are also many kitty enrichment items available to entertain your cat- such as cat food puzzles (there are some great ones by Premier and Bamboo Pet), interactive cat toys that make noise and move, and one of the best things I’ve found to entertain a cat is cat nip made by YEOWWWW! Catnip company, which seems to send cats skyrocketing, even for those not normally interested in cat nip. If you can, also try to invite friends with babies over to the house to get the cat used to a baby. Supervise the child so that the situation stays positive (e.g. no tail pulling) and build a positive association with the baby by giving your cat treats when the baby is around. Hope that helps!
Comment by Mikkel Becker Shannon — October 15, 2009 @ 6:48 pm
having had a child and dogs, you will continue to love them all the same. Your child SHOULD BE more important than the dogs, but that doesn’t mean you love or care for your dogs any less.
Comment by Annette — October 15, 2009 @ 7:20 pm
Fantastic post. Thank you!
Comment by Kimberly Gauthier — October 15, 2009 @ 10:25 pm
Great post! Time is the main challenge after children, but you will figure out and continue to love your pets. I have loved seeing my children grow up with our pets and, actually, as the kids continually change and get older so quickly I find it kind of reassuring that my pets personalities (animalities?) stay pretty constant.
We all cried together last year when our beloved German Shepherd who had been with us all our children’s lives had to be put to sleep at 14 years of age. However, all of the memories of camping trips and walks with him and the kids from when they were babies and as they grew and began to walk him themselves on occasion are very sweet and help to form the texture of our life as a family.
Comment by Eliblu — October 16, 2009 @ 6:35 am
Thanks Mikkel! Your advice confirms what we’ve thought and have been doing all along. We’ve been trying to make this a positive experience for them. We’ve slowly introduced the baby stuff into the house and they love to “help” put things together. They don’t mind testing things out either, much like Willy testing out the stroller!
It’s nice to hear other people confirm that while things will change, our pets will still be important!
Comment by The Other Lori — October 16, 2009 @ 7:44 am
Loved the blog about my two granddogs and especially the photo of my little Willie in the stroller we got for you Mikkel! I know we are going to love our granddaughter that will be arriving soon but Willie and Bruce will forever be special. They are welcome at Grandma’s anytime as I love to babysit them. You are a wonderful pet parent and will be a great mom to your human baby too!
Comment by Teresa Becker — October 16, 2009 @ 10:05 am
I’m told that Teresa Becker wishes to be referred to as “GLAMma.” :)
Best wishes to the entire Becker-Shannon clan for the four-legged grandpups already here and the grandaughter on the way!
Comment by Gina Spadafori — October 16, 2009 @ 10:45 am
The belief (and sometimes reality) that the dogs will become irrelevant when the child is born is the flip side of the “pets as substitute children” worldview.
I have had clients and acquaintances where the dog is clearly a child surrogate and is never a dog in the minds of the owners. When the real child comes along, it’s as if they reject the dog for not having been an accurate enough surrogate. Duh.
Many of the skills of good parenting are the same as good dog-raising — consistency, patience, self-control, empathy, discipline — but people seem to get confused about that and equate the two processes in the wrong ways.
As long as your dogs are dogs in your mind, and you love them as dogs, and appreciate their dogness, then there is no reason for them to become jealous, or for the baby to replace them in your affections.
Comment by H. Houlahan — October 16, 2009 @ 11:45 am
Congrads on your baby girl on the way! One thing we tell folks at Baby/dog class at Maine Med is to scent the babies toys with baby smells like lotions and powder to help the dog’s learn what is theirs and what belongs to baby. The good news is that your kid won’t be playing catch for a while so that will give your dog’s training a chance to catch up. Even ball crazed dog’s can learn to leave it. My first kid was born under the watchful eye of a toy obsessed Border Collie.
Comment by nancy Freedman-Smith CPDT — October 16, 2009 @ 2:29 pm