Breaking up over a pet is not insane
By Kim Campbell Thornton
October 1, 2009
It’s smart. Especially before you’ve made the decision to get married. Slate’s Emily Yoffe–Dear Prudence–does an
online Q&A with readers every week. This week, a woman wrote in to say that she is considering moving in with her boyfriend. She has a cat and wants to continue having a cat in her life, but her boyfriend is adamant that she get rid of the cat. She writes:
Neither one of us is willing to budge on this one. My boyfriend restores furniture and homes and thus his house and the things in it mean a lot to him. He has said that my bringing a cat into the house would signify that I didn’t care about his happiness. Never mind that I have addressed every single issue he had with the cat…and found viable solutions to each, but it has made no difference at all. I am a writer, home several days a week, and cats are no small part of my happiness. He will not negotiate at all. He will not live with her. And I don’t want a future without pets. What should we do? Breaking up over a cat is insane, isn’t it?
Well, no, it’s not.
The cat issue is giving this woman a glimpse of her boyfriend’s controlling and uncompromising nature and she’s wondering if it’s insane to break up over the cat? I would be thanking my lucky stars that I found out about him in time. In college I refused to date someone who declared that he hated cats (and worse, had a pet tarantula). I didn’t have a cat then, but I knew that I would in the future and couldn’t imagine being with someone who didn’t like them. (Amusingly, I saw him again 20 years later and he had a cat–thanks to his daughter, who insisted on having one. He even kind of liked it.)
Yoffe writes that breaking up over the cat is “kind of insane” but goes on to ask “what kind of compromise is ‘Give away the cat you love because I hate cats.”?
Not a smart one, in my book. Here’s my 2 cents, from a Valentine’s Day column written a few months ago:
Compromise is essential in any relationship, but if the person you’re dating issues an ultimatum–”It’s me or the pet”–think twice about whether this is someone you really want to be with. After all, which one is giving you unconditional love?
Kim, thanks for your posting.
I added my two cents to the Slate column blog.
The rat (boyfriend) probably would not tolerate kids, either, He is an insensitive brut that should be dumped. “Keep the cat, dump the rat” is a great statement. Love it!
Comment by Colorado Transplant — October 1, 2009 @ 9:09 am
I wouldn’t even date someone who doesn’t love cats!
Comment by Ingrid King — October 1, 2009 @ 9:29 am
My controlling @sshole of an ex once used the “It’s me or the dogs” line on me.
I happily told him that the suitcases were in the hall closet, and to feel free to get to it. No great surprise that we split a year or so later.
Also? Tessa hated him. Sure sign right there - that dog has impeccable taste.
Separating parnters (generally female partners) from their pets is often the first step in a ‘controlling and potentially abusive’ pattern of behavior.
Comment by FrogDogz — October 1, 2009 @ 9:35 am
Sharing my life with animals is an integral part — if not a defining part — of who I am. Someone who does not accept that is not the right person for me. Period, end of discussion.
Comment by Gina Spadafori — October 1, 2009 @ 10:06 am
Amen, Gina, amen!!
Comment by Liz Palika — October 1, 2009 @ 10:31 am
It’s not about the cat.
Comment by EmilyS — October 1, 2009 @ 10:41 am
I agree, it’s not about the cat. Sounds like this guy doesn’t respect her enough to even consider it. This woman should save herself time, money and emotional stress by dumping him now. :)
Comment by Jason Merrihew — October 1, 2009 @ 10:56 am
When I met the man who is now my husband I had recently broken up with someone who didn’t like my dogs. Not wanting to waste my time, I told future husband that on my priority list the dogs were here [raises hand as far above head as possible] and he was currently here [puts hand at about knees]. I then made it clear that if he had a problem with this it was pointless to call me again.
The fact that he was mature and confident enough to deal with this is a big reason why, fifteen years later, we’re still happily married.
Comment by Janeen — October 1, 2009 @ 11:16 am
There’s nothing to think about. It’s the pets first!! He told her she didn’t respect him. HA. Works both ways. If someone didn’t like my pets, don’t bother calling, knocking or talking! And you’d better know they sleep in the bed too.
Comment by VJ — October 1, 2009 @ 11:42 am
My x husband called my dog training job “dog shit.” But he evolved over the years, he started out fooling me that he was a pet lover.
Comment by Nancy Freedman-Smith CPDT — October 1, 2009 @ 11:58 am
We (my two dogs and I) met someone who we really liked, but unfortunately she had terrible dog allergies. She would break out in hives all over her body every time she came over.
I would never give up my dogs so unfortunately things didn’t work out between us.
Comment by Stetson — October 1, 2009 @ 12:24 pm
Keep the cat - lose the boyfriend. I always hated to see animals surrendered to the local humane society because of a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife . . . My cats are way better at judging people than some people are!
Comment by catmom5 — October 1, 2009 @ 1:13 pm
I had an odd experience once when I was leaving Massachusetts to come to Colorado.
The realtor selling our house said I should give more attention to my husband and less to my cats (she was a dog lover). Weird!
Comment by Colorado Transplant — October 1, 2009 @ 1:35 pm
Why was your realtor commenting on your family arrangements at all? Seriously. I’m disgusted by, but at least can follow the reasoning, of realtors who suggest that families get rid of pets in order to make the house look more salable. I do not comprehend how relative proportions of attention to your husband and your pets were anyone’s business but yours, your husband’s, and your pets’.
Comment by Lis — October 1, 2009 @ 1:54 pm
Lis, that is why I thought it was WEIRD!
It was a problem for a little while after that, because my husband started to demand more attention. Before that, he was content with what he got.
I get very attached to any animal I own, and I am not about to listen to negative feedback about giving affection to them—no way, no how.
Comment by Colorado Transplant — October 1, 2009 @ 2:11 pm
Nor I, Lis & CT. Which prolly why I am still single ( thank Dog & Cat)!
Last BF ( he had a GR so I thought he had a clue) was visiting unexpectedly, and because I was focused on him, I forgot to take out the 5 1/2 month old pup on time, so pup had an “accident”. Doh. I’d had pup for maybe 10-12 days, was working on getting him to a schedule and Failed him in his moment of need. BF watched me clean up, and said ” Aren’t you going to punish him?” I said, “For what? My mistake for paying more attention to you than him when this is his normal Out time?” Needless to say that relationship didn’t last long and I’ve never bothered to find another.
Comment by Anne T — October 1, 2009 @ 3:06 pm
My boyfriend doesn’t care too much about dogs. He likes them alright, as long as they are outside. I’ve always been more of an inside dog type of girl. We had to work long and hard though this issue and fought over it more than any other. Finally, we have a literal contract on it. My current dog will be an inside dog, allowed only in certain rooms of the house (excluded = kitchen, bedroom, bathroom). All other dogs after her will be outside, but well sheltered with a porch and dog house. It was hard, but I think we came up with something that we can both live with.
Comment by Jessica — October 1, 2009 @ 3:55 pm
When I was doing the online dating thing, I always mentioned that I had two Persian cats. If you couldn’t handle cat hair floating around, there wasn’t any point in reponding to my profile. Being upfront really cut out any further hassales and I ended up finding a great husband who convinced me to add a dog to the mix.
Comment by Dorene — October 2, 2009 @ 3:28 am
My husband didn’t know he was a cat person when we started dating. His father was in the military when he was growing up and they didn’t have pets because they were overseas a lot. He was in the military and lived in the base dorms when we met so he couldn’t have a pet. I had 2 cats and have always had various pets including while growing up, so I let him know the cats were there to stay. He got to know them and he is now a definite cat person. We have four indoor cats. We even a female part siamese/part tabby with gorgeous blue eyes that has him wrapped around her little paws.
Comment by Deb — October 2, 2009 @ 10:32 am
Eons ago when I was single, I had an orange tabby named Eliot, who was sort of an emotional barometer of men I met. Men who recoiled from him, or worse, made sick jokes about cats, turned out to be not so great around people either. Eliot introduced himself to the man I eventually married by jumping into his lap and kissing him on the nose.
Comment by diane — October 2, 2009 @ 11:30 am
I do a lot of education and advocacy work through the local shelters. Plus fostering. There is a group of about 20 other women that I’ve met through this volunteer work who are equally, if not more, involved.
Many of them have mates that I NEVER see at anything. Not at the events, the shelters, the rescues in the field. Yet they do not complain about the men.
It fascinates me, as a single person, to see these women so heavily involved in this volunteer service when their mates are not. It takes up such a huge part of my life; I can’t imagine not sharing it with my husband or boyfriend.
Hmm.
Comment by Mary Mary — October 2, 2009 @ 1:01 pm
my hubby went from a man who tolerated cats but didn’t really like them, to a man who willing lets a cat sleep on him. :)
Comment by Annette — October 3, 2009 @ 5:35 pm
I could never be with someone who didn’t love animals. At least with having a service dog in training, I know if they hate dogs up front.
Comment by thetroubleis — October 4, 2009 @ 4:43 am
One of the reasons I broke up with the last girl I was dating was because she had four cats. Now, it’s not that I don’t like cats, I love cats, but when a girl spends more attention on her cat relationships than developing your human relationship thats were I draw the line. Sorry, but I’m just not interested in dating an obsessed cat lady.
Comment by Matthew — October 27, 2009 @ 8:15 am
I’m pretty sure she didn’t consider it much of a loss — I sure know I wouldn’t.
Noting that you consider grown women to be “girls” pretty much speaks to where your head is at. Good luck finding that “girl” who’ll put you at the center of the universe as you so richly think you deserve to me. (Hint: Even if you do find one, most “girls” grow up to be “women” who eventually get over fawning over selfish, self-centered louts and move on to grown men.)
Meh.
Comment by Gina Spadafori — October 27, 2009 @ 8:24 am
I would never stay with a woman who didn’t like dogs.
There are two absolutes for me:
1. She must like dogs as much as I do.
2. She can’t watch Fox News without making fun of it. If she watches it and considers it real, then that’s as bad as dog hating.
Comment by retrieverman — October 27, 2009 @ 9:48 am