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The passing of a puppy and the life of a man
By Gina Spadafori
April 8, 2009
I lost the littlest puppy a few minutes ago. Shuddered and died in my hands.
I’m trying to be “big picture” about all three losses — the stillborn girl, the birth-defect boy we euthanized, and now, this tiny boy, born about half the size of his biggest littermates.
You know, the big picture: These things happen, life is fragile, things happen as they’re meant to. That’s what I told myself when two of the baby chicks died, and that’s what I was telling myself this morning, sobbing with a cold, lifeless puppy in my hands.
When we were delivering puppies all night Monday, my friend Judy, the vet’s daughter who has seen the good and the bad of a lifetime with animals and people both, said that it must be hard to go from such a perfect place as a mother’s womb into the world. I nodded then, but it was only this morning that I really thought about just how rough a transition that really is.
And how tough the life force is to make it.
Which made me think of my dad, who passed a few weeks ago, just short of his 76th birthday.
My dad survived scarlet fever as a child (lost most of his teeth), a head-on accident as a young man (carried a plate in his head for life) and so many injuries as a professional athlete he couldn’t even count them. (I know how many broken bones I’ve had — exactly one — but my dad wasn’t really sure about his. More than a dozen, he’d shrug, or maybe 20 or so, if you count ribs.)
In middle age, he survived crippling depression that drove him to a couple of suicide attempts, some lung issue that required half of one lung be cut away. (After which, he finally stopped smoking.) Part of me honestly thought he’d beat renal failure and kidney cancer, but even Iron Horses have their limits, and 76 years is probably pretty close to it. But even at the end, as he lapsed into unconsciousness and the hospice folks said it would be “hours” it was in fact days before his athlete’s heart would stop beating.
What makes the difference? Why do some of us never survive our births and others survive things that would kill many others?
Nobody knows. And I know I could think about my dad and that tiny puppy for the rest of my life and never get any closer to the answer.
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Gina, I am so sorry. I can’t help but think that this third pup must be even harder than the first two.
Healthy vibes headed your way for you, McKenzie, and the six pups.
Comment by Lis — April 8, 2009 @ 7:21 am
It’s so, so hard. And for anyone who thinks a breeder’s lot is just “pump out the puppies, rake in the dough”, hopefully this series of posts will be an eye-opener.
Of course, the breeders who don’t care never will, and hopefully - through reading how much you DO care - some readers will learn to hone their skills that much more finely in evaluating the difference between a breeder they’d want to deal with v.s. one they would not. Because the good breeders - the ones we DO need to be supporting - pour their hearts and their souls into it, and they celebrate (or mourn) every little life they bring into this world, and sometimes sadly lose.
So here’s sending {{{hugs}}} for you, tears for the poor little departed souls, and excitement for the ones who are still with us and will grow to be someone’s lovely and well-loved companions.
Comment by The OTHER Pat — April 8, 2009 @ 7:23 am
Oh Gina, I can’t express how sorry I am. This has been an emotional roller coaster for you the last few months.
Please take good care of yourself - a lot of puppy, kitty and chickie lives depend on you.
Comment by 2CatMom — April 8, 2009 @ 7:26 am
::hugs::
Comment by Original Lori — April 8, 2009 @ 7:32 am
My sympathies, Gina. Such a hard time to be so immersed in both new life and death
Comment by EmilyS — April 8, 2009 @ 7:45 am
For me, a stillborn pup or a “mummy” is something I can accept and handle much better than once you’ve got the rick-rack around them and have weighed them and watched them nurse - to lose one then is heartbreaking. Will keep a good thought for you.
Comment by YesBiscuit! — April 8, 2009 @ 7:57 am
{{{hugs}}}
Comment by Phyllis DeGioia — April 8, 2009 @ 7:58 am
soooo sorry hearing about yet another loss, wow life has been up and down for you and sorry to hear about the loss of your dad, that’s often a tough loss for some of us girls 8-)…
Comment by joyce kesling — April 8, 2009 @ 8:01 am
I’m so sorry. And I wish I knew.
Comment by Eucritta — April 8, 2009 @ 8:14 am
Gina, I had no idea your father had passed away. Is there any organization that you’d like us to contribute to on his behalf?
Comment by Susan — April 8, 2009 @ 8:21 am
Nature is never kind, but is always fair. Those who are meant to make it, do, and those who are not, don’t.
What this means is that you now have six beautiful, healthy, wonderfully perfect little puppies for both you and McKenzie to focus all of your love and energy on.
Of course, none of this takes away the sting of such a loss.
Such is the beauty of dogs, however, who focus on the present and not the past.
I’m speaking entirely here about the loss of the puppies, and not about the loss of your beloved father - as the two are not comparable, even though they do evoke similar feelings in those of us who are as emotionally connected with our animals as we all know you are.
Whether it’s dogs, cats, parrots or chickens, I firmly believe that what’s important is that they feel loved during their time with us.
Our angel retriever has a memory box which sums it up, I think. Life is not measured by how many breaths one takes, but by the moments that take one’s breath away.
Many, many hugs to you and momma McKenzie, Gina. Keep living in the present - you have six bouncing babies who are depending on the two of you for their everything… and I have no doubt they will want for nothing. :O)
Take care of all of you.
Comment by Kim — April 8, 2009 @ 8:23 am
I know of no answer, either.
The only way my pain is eased, over loss of life, is through passage of time. However, my loved ones are never forgotten. They will be in my mind as long as I live.
May you be buoyed up by all your friendships.
Comment by Colorado Transplant — April 8, 2009 @ 8:26 am
Gina, so very sorry for your losses, having lost my dad a few months after losing our kitty to the recalls, I can relate. Im hoping in a few days/weeks time, seeing the new puppies and momma will once again bring you joy and wonderment at the puzzlement of life.
Comment by Sandi K — April 8, 2009 @ 8:28 am
Oh, Gina, I wish one of us had the answers.
But my Dad was like yours; he survived 20 years on the ocean in the US Coast Guard; he survived camping and backpacking in the SIerra Nevada mountains; he survived colon cancers and so much more. And then when cancer was finally claiming his life, when hospice told us ‘anytime now’ he went on for days.
The life force is very strong.
But yet, I also believe that sometimes we (as in any of us - two legged or four legged - perhaps it isn’t the right time for us to be here.
And perhaps searching for the answer is also a part of the process.
None of us have answers for you, Gina, although I wish I did. But our thoughts are with you and my heart aches for you.
Comment by Liz Palika — April 8, 2009 @ 9:10 am
Oh, Gina, my heart aches for you. I only wish I had some comforting words to ease the pain and emptiness that takes over when a life slips away.
I know you are lucky, though, as is your gorgeous girl and her babies … because they could not have a more caring and loving friend or protector.
Comment by Rochelle Lesser — April 8, 2009 @ 9:25 am
What a blessed life for a puppy to have lead: To have always been wanted, to never know fear or need, and to die peacefully with tears of love at his passing.
There are a lot of dogs out there who would be glad to have been your puppy.
Godspeed little one. Hugs to you Gina!
Comment by Wendy — April 8, 2009 @ 10:15 am
A litter of puppies can be wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time. Losing those little pups can just about kill you. During an emergency C section we had two perfect, beautiful little stillborn girls in a litter of five. They looked no different from their breathing, crying siblings. The vet said nature produces many more offspring than are needed. Some are lost at birth, others a few days later . . .not all pups are meant to live. Very hard to take anyway.
Comment by Kristi — April 8, 2009 @ 11:46 am
My heart is aching for you. You’ve been so much in such a short time. I wish I had the answers for you. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better.
I agree withe Wendy though, that pup knew he was loved.
How is McMama dealing with this?
Comment by The Other Lori — April 8, 2009 @ 11:57 am
Nothing Loved is Ever Lost.
Ever.
P.
Comment by PBurns — April 8, 2009 @ 12:26 pm
Gina, I am so sorry for your losses. I am keeping good thoughts for the continued health of the surviving pups and mom.
Comment by Tina Clark — April 8, 2009 @ 1:04 pm
Sending out healing thoughts for you as you deal with these losses.
Pet loss always seems to trigger our grief over other things in our life.
Take good care of yourself!
Comment by Tammy — April 8, 2009 @ 3:33 pm
Gina- I am so sorry you lost another one. I do think its harder when you have hoped they would make it.It’s also harder so soon after losing your Dad. Try to focus on the living miracle the other pups are and take care of yourself. Hugs to you and McKenzie.
Comment by Leslie K — April 8, 2009 @ 7:31 pm
Thanks, everyone. Your support really helps.
Being home all day and watching McKenzie’s maternal instinct really kick in has helped, too. And the remaining puppies look very healthy … I pray they all stay so!
Hormones are so bizarre! Silly, bouncy McNutty happy to tend puppies quietly all day … it’s hard to believe, but there you have it.
Comment by Gina Spadafori — April 8, 2009 @ 7:43 pm
I am sorry for your loss both the two legged and four legged. That is a huge amount to deal with in such a short time ;(
As a breeder of 20 years and daughter of a breeder of 47 years, I am all too familiar with the loss of puppies and can offer nothing more insightful than the posters above only empathy…
oh, and I sure hope we don’t have to pay for dog food in heaven !
The litter and Mom look good, so keep your chin up.
Comment by Lisa C — April 8, 2009 @ 8:18 pm
Gina—
I’ve been thinking about this post for a good, long while. I’ve been contending with serious illness—in myself and in my dogs—even longer. In the end, as the wonderful owner of the Amazon listserv (devoted to alternative but evidence based treatments for breast cancer) has written, all we know is that some live and some die, never really why. One of the things that always improves my day now—and yours, too, I know—is those McCuties. Please keep the videos/pictures/posts coming—these are some of the very best medicine.
Lisa in Cape May County, NJ
Comment by Lisa — April 16, 2009 @ 8:15 am