As for the denial-been there, dealt with that.
Here is your script.
” It is agony for me, to fear that I am not doing my best for Dad, I simply cannot bear the pain of not doing my best, it would destroy me. I have seen how helpful this can be for other families, I want that help for Dad and all of us, it makes me feel better.
This is me, doing my best, deal with it.”
Then hug and kiss whichever family member is giving you grief, thank them for being so understanding and supportive and assign them a chore that is directly to do with the either the hospice or the patient advocate. “I knew I could count on you, it means so much to me!”
Repeat kisses and hugs.

This does several things, it makes the argument about _your_ feelings, thus ending the focus on denial, assumes and rewards the support of the person before they know what is happening and gets them working, not whining.

Get a bag with lots of pockets and a notebook to fit in it. Tape a big manila envelope to the back inside cover. Every single Doctors name, nurses name, appointment, test, every phone number, goes in that notebook, every sheet of paper you get handed goes in the envelope. Write it down. Empty envelope and file as needed.
On the back pages of the notebook, keep a list of chores to be done, appointments to be made, laundry to be done, whatever is eating up your time and assign those chores to the next person who asks what they can do. Assign lots of chores to those who annoy you, keep them busy. Your Dad might require rare items that can only be obtained in some nasty hole in the wall shop in Podunk, he might require them often. As often as they annoy you would be my choice. You get the drift.

Then tuck goodies into the bag for the long hours of waiting room time, a book and reading light, decent candy and nuts, hand lotion, aspirin, emery board. Think of what you would want if you were in a besieged castle, pack accordingly.

You are in for a rough time, be good to yourself.

It is rough and I have no wisdom for shortcuts.
Many prayers, Barbara

My wonderful vet, Dr. Debbie

And the fact that my Dad didn’t have to suffer through a long illness while battling through red-tape to get proper care.

I suppose it sounds silly and empty, but if there is anything any of us can do to help, Gina, I’m sure all of us would jump at the chance.

Longlost … THANK YOU for suggesting patient advocate. Without getting too deep into all the backstory, there’s a denial going on with some family members, and I’m trying to deal with it. Not easy.

Once considered reasonably affordable, pet care somehow “jumped on the bandwagon” of hysterically rapid inflation that we felt with human medicine and education.

It either has to somewhat reverse or slow way down, to prevent pets from becoming a “luxury item”.

Gina, your title of “spooked” is appropriate and not lost for meaning. Perhaps the profession is now coming to realize that the euphoria driven economy was not going to continue, just as it has many times in recent past, although this one is a “biggie”.

For my part, the ordeal of the last two years has altered my view of veterinary care and the expense. Many people, including those that had no animals sicken or die from melamine, have decided that they can no longer afford to have pets. Of those who still have pets suffering and dying from the effects of the melamine disaster, it is heartbreaking how many are on “the last cat”. And on the last dollar they can afford to spend on pet care for many years to come. There will be no pets at all in many homes of former pet parents. Many will have far fewer pets. A significant proportion of the pet owning population has been wrung dry.

The friend who chose death over bankrupting his family with medical care, made a similar painful choice. That is the state of human, and animal, medical care in the USA at this time.

There are “pockets” of the country where veterinary care is sadly lacking with morality & ethics. Some folks & pets are extremely lucky and others aren’t. And it sounds like human care has its areas & health plans lacking too. I hope things turn around for you and your family member.