Social graces: Any petiquette experts out there?
By Gina Spadafori
November 13, 2008
So, we came up with this brilliant two-part series for our syndicated pet-care column: How to deal with people-pet conflicts over the holidays.
You know, people who don’t like pets, are allergic, don’t understand why “it” lives in the house anyway, who mention at least a dozen times during dinner at your house that they are certain that was a cat hair on the butter, and they may be your mother and you know they love you but honestly, considering all these pets anyone can see why no one ever wanted to marry you …
Uh, never mind that last one.
Anyhooooo … Christie did the first part, how to get your house so it doesn’t smell like animals live there. Did a fine job of it, too.
The second part is mine, all mine, and it’s this:
How do you resolve people-pet visiting conflicts? Do you welcome your sister’s ill-behaved dog over, or ask that she leave her at home? What about people who are traveling to stay with you over the holidays? Welcome them all, or point out the nearest pet-friendly hotel? What about your pets? Is it “love me, love my dog” or do you leave your dog at home? Do you say something to your brother’s kid, the one who wants to play “horsey ride” with your old dog? Or do you handle it yourself (with a swat on the kid’s fanny!)?
Or do you opt out of the whole crazy mess, make a nice fire, put on some holiday music and snuggle under a cosy throw with your four-legged family on your own couch?
Use the comments. What’s your best and worst holiday-related pet story? What advice do you have for keeping everyone happy? Tell me!
Frankly, I’d rather be home with my dog. He thinks I’m brilliant.
I was on the other side of this a few days ago. I was invited to bring Kasey to a friend’s house to play with their Great Dane. They’d met before in the summer and had a great romp. But they just could not settle and be friends this time and I was actually embarrassed at my dog’s (usually good) manners. I probably won’t try that again for a while.
All that to say, pets are unpredictable and have moods so don’t be too hard on people if you have one bad experience with their pet.
On my side, I try to be aware of people’s feelings. Kasey is fine in his crate for a while and he doesn’t know if he’s missing a party. :O)
Comment by Lori — November 13, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
I knew I’d screw up the italics.
Comment by Lori — November 13, 2008 @ 1:58 pm
I fixed it. :)
Comment by Gina Spadafori — November 13, 2008 @ 2:07 pm
I’m extremely fortunate in that all my family are pet lovers - and acquaintances who aren’t just don’t come over anymore! LOL But my mother is getting on in years, and is pretty unsteady on her feet these days. Even when they’re greeting someone calmly, my Danes can so easily bump into or brush against someone and it would be enough to make Mom fall. So the kids are baby gated in an adjoining room when she comes over, and not turned out until she’s settled safely in a chair. Even then I don’t let them swarm her - they’d try to get in her lap! :-) Once they’ve made their greetings they usually settle, but we make sure that one of the younger adults is with my Mom anytime she’s on her feet to be safe.
As for people wanting to bring dogs over, we have visitors with dogs all the time - as long as everyone realizes that it will be VERY busy and not appropriate for a reactive or fearful dog. So our crew is pretty accustomed to visiting dogs, and as long as the visitor is reasonably polite they all get along. If the visitor can’t play nice, then he/she goes in a crate or ex-pen. We don’t have any children of our own, but visiting kids are never left unsupervised with the dogs. EVER. And I would not hesitate to remove a child who was teasing or being rough with one of the dogs.
Comment by Barb — November 13, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
Oh, and where is Christie’s article on making your house smell like dogs don’t live there!? I couldn’t find it.
Comment by Barb — November 13, 2008 @ 2:24 pm
I got a one word solution:
Crate.
Yes you can bring your cat/horse/dog/llama/goat but it will have to spend its time in a crate between walks.
Ditto for your kids :)
As for folks who wonder about pet hair, I give them other things to worry about by playing with gravity knives in front of them.
P
Comment by PBurns — November 13, 2008 @ 2:46 pm
Christie’s article will be out in a couple of weeks. We work in advance. :)
Comment by Gina Spadafori — November 13, 2008 @ 2:53 pm
Ha! I had to look up “gravity knife.
Yep, that would shut me up. :)
Comment by Gina Spadafori — November 13, 2008 @ 2:56 pm
Worst holiday-related story:
We have a group of friends that we do potlucks with every couple of months. One Christmas, we had the party at our house. There was tons of food, especially desserts. In particular, there was fudge.
One of our guests (who didn’t want her husband to know what she was doing) took a large handful of fudge, wrapped it in a napkin, and put it in her purse. She kept her purse next to her feet while she was sitting on the sofa(anyone with a dog can see what’s coming).
Bailey-the-Bichon very stealthily moved in on the purse. No one noticed her slip her muzzle into the opening and extract the napkin-wrapped packet of fudge.
A short time later, Bailey popped up on my lap and gave me a kiss. I could smell the chocolate on her breath. Of course this freaked me out because of the danger of chocolate. I gated her in my bedroom, and got the address book to call the veterinarian. Before I could dial, Miss Poochie-Butt was puking a dark brown chocolate-smelling mess, which included the shredded napkin!
As the word spread among our guests, the fudge-fanatic checked her purse and found her stash had disappeared. She was forced to confess what she had done!
Bailey ate what was probably about a handful of fudge. Thank goodness she gulped it down, because I think that’s what made it all come back up again so quickly. It took me forever to get the stain out of my carpet.
I’ve always kept close watch on her when we have company. Now I also keep close watch on the company!
Comment by Bev at Pet Care — November 13, 2008 @ 3:23 pm
One year at christmas, many years ago when I was much younger and much more foolish, several of our friends gave us little wrapped gifts for our cats. I put them under the tree without much thought … until we were woken in the middle of the night by bonks, rips, thwacks, growls, and the skitter-skitter-THUMP of wild cat scrambles. We stumbled out to discover that the cats had not only ripped opened their own gifts — they’d festooned everyone else’s all over the front room, and knocked the tree askew. Fortunately we’d used tie-on unbreakable tree ornaments, so that wasn’t the disaster it could’ve been. Still.
Since then, whenever anyone gives me something for the cats, I put it on the mantle!
Comment by Eucritta — November 13, 2008 @ 3:43 pm
I’ve done all of the above (except swat my sister’s kid though it crossed my mind.)
I prefer a pet friendly hotel. Otherwise, I take a crate to comfort my dog and relieve my hostess’s anxieties about “accidents.”
When he is totally not welcome, we just stop by to say “hello.” Don’t stay any longer than he can stay in the car. And if I must be with relatives who don’t appreciate him, like a funeral, he stays home.
Generally our social life shrank when I got a dog. If they don’t love him, I don’t love them.
hehehehehe
Comment by Pamela Picard — November 13, 2008 @ 3:53 pm
The poorly behaved pooch is welcome with the caveat that crates and baby gates are available and will be used as needed.
Traveling for the holidays? If our pets get along they’re welcome - the more the merrier. If they don’t I’d recommend a hotel. Bloodshed always puts a damper on the holidays.
The dogs stay at home unless they’re invited. It’s a bad idea to come over to our house and complain about them. Foolish toddlers will be dealt with swiftly. They fit easily in a large dog crate after all. Fortunately our family is not lacking in sense of humour.
Comment by ChicagoBullies — November 13, 2008 @ 4:09 pm
One holiday season, I ended up with a new house guest courtesy of PPP (poor pet planning) combined with TLU (total lack of understanding) of dog behavior. Oh, and lack of any common sense too.
The guest was a rescue foster. An young couple from WA drove straight to Santa Rosa with a seemingly untrained one year old female american bulldog/bulldog mix (poorly suited for their situation and already on her third home). Upon arrival at mom and dads, they tried to bring this strange dog in with no thought as to how to introduce their out of control dog to their parents reactive, unsocial dachshund chihuahua mix. In the doorway with everyone carrying luggage etc… no less.
The result was an ugly scene that resulted in a trip to the vet for the 10 pound dog and threats of being shot etc… for the 62 pound dog and a shrieking call to rescue, me. I had a houseful of out of town holiday guests and the dilemma of a dog who was going to the pound NOW and was an hour away My veterinarian thankfully managed to shoehorn her into already holiday booked kennel space for me until I could come get her.
The owners deemed her as dangerous and did not want her back. She turned out to be a basically very sensible, friendly dog suffering from a total lack of basic manners and social skills but which she picked up on very quickly and went to a new home where she settled into become a model citizen.
When the owners signed her over I asked why no crate? Crates! OMG, how cruel, evil and so forth. Obedience training? Nope no time. Why had they not left her at home? She was too destructive. How bout boarding? So sad to leave doggie home at the holidays! But now they new her “true” nature and were happy to be rid of her. So she spent the holidays at my home, in a crate, very happy to go for walks and learn really cool things like sit and heel. And my old boy taught her basic canine etiquette. Her present was the family with the sweet, obedience trained male dobie who adopted her shortly after the new year.
My own pets do go with me to relatives homes, they get walked but are crated during festivities. If allergies are involved, they will stay home and trick the house sitter into giving them extra food and goodies.
Comment by Jenniferj — November 13, 2008 @ 4:12 pm
opt out!! {grin}
If I’m going somewhere, they stay home (no, I can’t stay the night, need to get back to the pets, lol!~) If it’s my home, my rules. If they can’t handle my rules and how to treat my pets, they can leave. I always try and make guests as comfortable as possible and take their feelings/needs into consideration, so I expect the same towards my pets in my home ;) I’ve already started worrying about next year and how to juggle the pets and a couple family members. One because of age, the other because she’s so self absorbed. I can just see the cats being let out etc even if the pets are isolated. I’ve gotten it down to a day visit with the dog along at the parents. If they insist I spend the night, campervan and kitty sitter!
Thankfully I don’t know anyone where cat hair in the butter would be an issue and I keep pet hair removers by the door and everyone knows it ;) I don’t worry as much with friends as I do with some of my family. My friends would never assume it would be ok if *they* didn’t honor my requests regarding the pets, family? It’s a toss up and I can do without the drama . . . They need some training ;)
Comment by straybaby — November 13, 2008 @ 4:30 pm
Love thy friends, love their dogs. A dear friend of mine showed up with a pound puppy just adopted a month previous. The dog was a beautiful and active border collie whose previous owners had kept her in an apartment bathroom so the landlord wouldn’t know they had her. Anyone who knows B.C.’s knows that the previous owners should have been placed in front of a firing squad for what they had done to this dog. She had all the problems. Separation anxiety, nervous peeing, absolutely petrified of a crate. It would have been nice to know the dog’s history before they came, but carpets clean, and spackle covered the chew holes in the door jam. She was a much better dog after two weeks of getting out and trying new things. I love spending time with friends and family. Everything else is incidental.
Comment by C.L.H. — November 13, 2008 @ 7:06 pm
Okay, I’ll admit it — I whacked a 3 year old nephew who insisted on grabbing for Pepper’s perfect Shiba Inu tail, even though I told him twice to LEAVE HER ALONE.
To make it even worse, this was an in-law, not a blood relative. Huge, stinking fight such that to this day, my sister-in-law will not come to her parents house if my husband and myself (and evil, evil Pepper) are there.
Sister-in-law believes that if her children can’t maul my dog, my dog is “dangerous.” Rest of family (all of whom have dogs) roll eyes and keep their own dogs well away from her kids (who have been trained to ask if they can pet a dog, but both parental units and children are horrified if they are told “No”.)
My family always had cats, so no one looks too closely at the butter dish. Pepper doesn’t chase the cats and has a nice bone/tendon/whatever to chew on instead, so everyone is happy.
As for friends, I always ask first if Pepper is welcome (Linday the cat prefers to stay home) and act accordingly.
Comment by Dorene — November 13, 2008 @ 7:20 pm
We used to take our well-behaved Cockapoo with us to visit our friends (on her leash).
One day, when we were visiting, after they had vacuumed, their son came up to me and said that his mom and dad were concerned as to whether our dog would mess up their carpet now with dog hair (she actually didn’t shed very much).
That was enough for me. I immediately held her in my lap for the rest of the evening, and we never took her back again. Come to think of it, we didn’t visit them as much after that either.
It bothered us that they put up a good front, but behind our backs were talking about our dog.
Sometimes you just don’t know what people are really thinking!
Comment by Marcy — November 13, 2008 @ 9:12 pm
The parents of my best friend do not allow dogs in their house — except mine. I always bring crates and use them to keep the dogs settled down and safe. One thing no one has mentioned yet — I always bathe the dogs before visiting people — fewer complaints about allergies or stinky dogs that way.
Funny, but my visits to my parents got much better after I got a dog — my twice a day long walks or trips to the dog park greatly improved our relationship.
One quick story — one time my dad was walking across the kitchen holding a piece of bread waist high. Of course my dog took it out of his hand and ate it. My dad exclaimed, “You jerk.” I didn’t have to say or do a thing because the rest of my family immediately came to my dog’s defense.
Crates, baths, long walks — the secrets to a successful visit.
Comment by Debbie — November 14, 2008 @ 3:11 am
Kitties stay home. If you come to my house - well its really their house - you just have to deal with it.
We have opted to eat at a restaurant for Thanksgiving however. Kitty videos used to keep them suitably entertained but they won’t watch them anymore. My big guy likes to be part of the action and one year jumped on the table 8 times…more to visit than to steal food. Very embarassing.
So I wasn’t suprised when the next year my Mom suggested that we go out since its ‘so much work” (for me) to prepare dinner.
We are coming back to my house for dessert (Heh, Heh). M&D told me that they will be wearing clothes that don’t have to be dry cleaned (LOL).
Comment by 2CatMom — November 14, 2008 @ 7:59 am
Our family has always combined dogs during visits, family camping, and holidays. At one point, that meant a black lab, a golden retriever, a border collie, Irish setter, and Maltese.
We are careful not to have any bones or favorite toys (border collie) around that might cause a squabble. Otherwise, the dogs - none are dog aggressive - got along just fine. James, our tuxedo cat who is now fifteen years old use to hide but now he seems to say, “Bring it on.” If he wants a break, he knows he can hang out in a bedroom up high in his bed or in a closet.
The only issues we’ve had is with infants and toddlers. One nephew has four boys within six years, the other nephew has three girls within five years. If we cannot directly supervise any dog with children, we just put the dog away, usually in a bedroom or our home office. The Maltese always ends up in a bedroom first in her kennel for a peaceful, desired time out.
I would not invite a dog into our home that my dog did not know unless they met first off our property (ideally for a walk) and got along fine.
The worse place for dogs to meet is at the front door of one of the dog’s homes. I would at least start with a front lawn greeting, then move to the back yard, ending up with the dogs in the house, IF, all went well with the first two steps.
When we visit people with our Irish setter, she is just as content to hang out in our car, a familiar place, if in the shade. In California, we don’t worry about it ever being too cold. That is the third option is to let people know they are welcome if the dog will be content in their car as needed.
We like to travel with our Toffee (Irish setter) to have the time together and get her out of the house. Dogs, like people, get cabin fever.
Comment by Susan Tripp — November 14, 2008 @ 9:36 am
Not a petiquette expert, I tend to go with the old “The dogs live here, you don’t” thing.
Comment by slt — November 14, 2008 @ 9:40 am
My solution is simple; I don’t socialize with people who don’t like dogs. I know such people exist, but I can’t fathom their mindset and don’t want to be around them. My dogs go with me to visit a few friends (one friend has very old,cranky dogs who can’t take the stress of visiting dogs), and friends that visit me know their dogs are welcome. My cat disappears if visitors are present, so nobody ever sees her.
Comment by Theresa — November 14, 2008 @ 10:02 am
Yikes! I could post a few thousand words here. My training business always spikes in a big way right before and after the holidays. I could tell stories that would curl your hair…
But - in a nutshell two rules apply:
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and “A well-trained pet is a happy pet who is a joy to be around”
I regularly visit family members (including dogless inlaws) with my dogs. Sometimes with two, enormous, shaggy ones. I groom them before travel and keep them on their best behavior while in others’ homes. I also give them (the dogs AND our hosts) lots of breaks by taking the dogs out for walks. Even if the weather is vile.
When guests visit here with pets (and I do not remember the last time we had an overnight guest come *without* a dog!) I calmly and politely require that they follow basic rules: No dogs running loose in the house w/o close supervision. No rough play indoors. No begging for food. No pestering of those who do not want your attention (and this goes both ways for two-leggers AND four-leggers).
But really, don’t all the above rules just go right back to the first two?
Comment by Janeen — November 14, 2008 @ 11:24 am
I’m with Patrick. I’ve had people stay here, bringing AmStaffs for shows. My guys are dog-friendly, but they are tiny, so while everybody gets along well, I don’t want rough-housing in the house because little bones break easily. Dogs behave differently on their own turf, kind of like kids.
So, the show dogs are either crated or kept in their guest rooms between walks and always supervised when loose in the house (because I have a cat, too).
I personally never ask to take my dogs with me when visiting, unless we are doing a doggy-type thing together and they’re invited. I board my dogs when I go out of town to visit family or even for the day if we have a booth at a festival or show. Dinner engagements mean they just stay here until I get home, usually away no more than 5 hours.
As for people who like to complain, well, they don’t usually come here because I don’t hang with people like that.
My brother, petless by choice, once said “Your house is kind of like the Museum of Natural History, except everything’s alive. I expect to see Wallabys bouncing through the living room.”
Next time, bro, next time.
Comment by Caveat — November 14, 2008 @ 11:24 am
We leave our dogs with a pet sitter who takes care of dogs in her home when we travel, and this works great. Our problem is having guests over. Our rat terrier, a rescue with little early socialization, was great with guests until my brother-in-law visited last Thanksgiving. BIL is a very, very big man, he has Asperger’s, and he also has a strong odor. Well, I have never seen a dog react so strongly (negatively) to a person in my life. Our rattie was completely and totally freaked out and turned into a crazy, aggressive dog towards this man. Before that, no problems with guests. After that, he has been terrible with guests, so now we board him. He developed a fear of big people in general for a while too, but with some work he is over that. I will have to work with a trainer to try and eradicate his “PTSD” regarding guests coming in, though.
Comment by Sara Jo — November 14, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
I should add, we don’t leave home over the holidays. We stay at home with our animal family and visit family and on non-holidays when it’s easier to get space with our beloved pet sitter. Lately we don’t have guests either because of our rattie.
Comment by Sara Jo — November 14, 2008 @ 2:30 pm
As much as I love dogs, I don’t allow them in my apartment, for several reasons. I most definitely didn’t appreciate it when a friend showed up with her dog without prior notice… my two rabbits and my cat were freaked out for weeks afterwards!
Comment by Alice — November 14, 2008 @ 4:39 pm
After one surprize visit with a huge German Shepherd on Christmas Eve I have a standard comment that goes with my invitation for dinner etc “I’m sorry I can’t have Rover too, my cat is so sensitive (or something of that nature)” It would never OCCUR to me to take my Doberman to someone’s house. If we are traveling to family for a visit, we board him at a pet hotel. In my house he is sometimes crated when we have visitors who are skittish around my big boy until they are comfortable. Of course by this time he is sound asleep in his crate anyway!
Comment by Kellianne — November 14, 2008 @ 9:58 pm
As an adult child with no kids, I am expected to travel to see my family. I also have 4 cats (one of which is diabetic and needs her insulin shots) and two dogs. The newest dog spent his first 6 or so years living in a puppy mill and we’ve almost got him housebroken. That almost is enough to make him Not Welcome in my mother’s home, and understandably so. For Dead Bird Day, which is also my mom’s birthday, I will probably be driving up by myself for the day- a 2.5 hour car ride. For Kissmoose, I am more likely to pack up husband, diabetic cat, and both dogs for a trip to visit my folks and stay a couple of days. The 2.5 hour car ride becomes a 4-hour marathon of frequent stops to walk the dogs and let the husband have a cigarette, and rearrange the pets so they aren’t arguing so much. After working with an animal who came from a background like the puppy mill, sending him to a boarding kennel, no matter how nice it may be, just is not something we consider. We would have to start the housebreaking all over again and regain trust. The other option is leaving the husband home with the “kids” and we’re both fine with that.
Comment by Georg — November 16, 2008 @ 8:26 am
I should add the newest dog was acquired about two weeks ago. He’s a mini schnauzer. He’s still extremely handshy- but now he knows how to use stairs! but he’s still working on doors. This is just not something you spring on people! :)
Comment by Georg — November 16, 2008 @ 8:38 am
We usually don’t visit others with our GSDs. For socialization, we visit pet stores or some of the home repair chains allow dogs in their garden areas. My dogs go with me on short trips to the local store/gas station every day.
We think it’s a good idea, especially for puppies, to take them on leash to anywhere that they can see other people and be aware of what for them is an unusual situation. Parking lots are great learning centers as a dog learns not to bark at everything or learns to sit as others walk by. I’ve taken many of our puppies to the local post office, stand outside and let people pet them if they wish.
The key I think is to expose your dog to unusual situations before they go to the parents or in laws. If your dog is truly part of the family, he should be exposed to other people without wanting to bark or bite. The younger the better!
Russ
Comment by Russ Mathena — November 17, 2008 @ 9:03 pm