pet connection

I may have mentioned a couple thousand times before that I (heart) the L.A. Times autowriter, Dan Neil. I (heart) him because he writes about cars in a way that has never before been done, a way a non-gearhead can get into, expert, witty and relevant to the lives of people who don’t go to car shows, as in, um, women. I (heart) Dan Neil because he got a Pulitzer Prize for Criticism, previously given only to guys who write about Serious Stuff like Architecture, Ballet and Art, not whether there’s a difference between a “guy car” and a “chick car.” (Yes, and duh, of course there is. Guy car: Mustang. Chick car: VW Beetle.)

Honestly, having Dan Neil win a Pulitzer gives me hope — dim, dim hope — that someday a syndicated pet-care columnist will win one, too. And that that syndicated pet-care columnist will be me.

That’s why I (heart) Dan Neil.

But right now, I hate Dan Neil, because as the God of All That Is Good About Auto Writing, he got to drive the Mini Cooper Clubman before I have even cast eyes on one in person.

I ask you: Is that right? Is that fair?

Of course not. Because the Mini Cooper Clubman has the look of a serious city DogCar, and I can barely live with my desire to drive one very, very soon. Because a lot of really practical DogCars are — how shall I say this nicely? — dull, and I know that is not the case with the Clubman. I know this, because driving the regular Mini Cooper (along with the Mazda Speed3) last year was just about the most fun I’ve had in a car since I was 17, and Michael Vianni and and I took his Dodge Charger to Folsom Lake and … uh … well now, you just never mind.

Except to say that doing something similar in a Ford he was test-driving got Dan Neil fired from the Raleigh News & Observer. Oh, revenge is so sweet! Take that, N&O! Dan Neil not only ended up at the L.A. Times, but he won a Pulitzer! (And now, he is even lucky enough to be working for my best buddy from college, Russ Stanton, who is now The Editor of the L.A. Times. Yo, Hunter, I’m so proud of ya.)

Where was I? Oh yeah, the Clubman. Dan Neil writes:

It’s my considered opinion that the BMW Mini Cooper is the most successful car design of the last 20 years. What can touch it? Here’s a car that puts a spearmint thrill through you every time you turn the key, a larking, capering, glass-and-steel nymph that nicks past other traffic like it’s mired in molasses. On top of the giddy charge of merely wheeling the thing, you’ve got this utterly charismatic styling, a po-mo masterpiece, a rolling tribute to the iconic Mini (1959 to 2000) designed by Alec Issigonis and built by the British Motor Corp. That’s Sir Alec to you, you peon.

If you think about cars in terms of expectation and fulfillment, you have to conclude the Mini Cooper is the perfect execution of the product brief: the Frenchie bulldog looks, the urbanity (easy to park and good gas mileage), the sophisticated interior fittings, the elfish demeanor, the bumblebee performance.

[...]

The Mini is diamond-laced Champagne, a piano-playing Shetland pony, sex on the wing of an airplane. Simply put, if the Mini Cooper doesn’t put a smile on your face, you’re dead.

Now they’ve gone and made it bigger.

[...]

So, is the Mini Clubman still adorable, or does it look like Hello Kitty with a glandular problem? Is it every bit the dancing leprechaun as the regular Mini, or does it stumble like a drunken Irishman? The original was such a singular thing, a 300 game, a no-hitter. How can you change it without lousing things up?

And yet behold a bigger, better Mini.

Read the rest, just for the sheer delight of Dan Neil. And someday, soon, I’ll have the Mini Cooper Clubman to drive, and then we’ll know if it’s a serious contender for DogCar of the Year.

Maybe so, maybe so. Only time — and a test drive — will tell.

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